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The Cookie Queen

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5th May 2009

7:44pm: Writer's Block: Shhhh
Would you ever go on a silent retreat? How long do you think you could go without talking?

I could go as long as I needed to. I've gone three days before. It's actually quite fun.
And surprisingly relaxing.
7:40pm: Writer's Block: Philanthropy
Do you volunteer your time or donate money to any charitable organizations? Which ones, and why?

I don't know if other people would say this counts, but I volunteer my time frequently. I volunteer for my fraternity, all the events we do, and all of those things. I consider it a "charitable" organization because we're a service fraternity built to help, protect, and serve the musical community in our area and all over the world, and especially at our college.
7:37pm: Writer's Block: Meant to Be?
Do you believe in fate? Why or why not?

I do believe in fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. There are too many great, wonderful people in my life that wouldn't be there if it weren't for chance/fate.

I have to believe in fate. If there was no fate, why would luck be so shitty to me?
Current Mood: depressed
7:06pm: MIA
I've been MIA on here and on HEX for awhile. It's not that I'm avoiding you all, it's just that I've had a shitty year already, and now my computer is broken, and I'm not getting a new working one until the end of this month.

I feel so lost right now. Life really sucks. I love where I live, who I live with, and the things like that, but everything else is going so horribly wrong. I don't know how to feel anymore. All that's kept me going for a long time was my stubborn will to not give up. And lately that will has been fading. Everything has become so shitty. My family is falling apart, but for the first time in years I see hope. I'm really worried that we may not have a place to live in a few months. I'm feeling really lost when it comes to school, even though I changed my major and for the first time I feel totally comfortable with it. And worst of all I feel so completely lost about what I want from life. It's been a long time since I've felt this depressed. Maybe it's because of the day...not Cinco de Mayo, but the fact that today is the 6th year anniversary of my grandfather's death, and I'm watching someone I consider a grandmother die. But either way I'm feeling depressed, and moody, and out of it. For days I've sat around thinking about nothing. For weeks I've snapped at people that I love for no reason. I don't feel like myself anymore, and I'm starting to hate who I'm becoming. This isn't me and I don't like it.

Anyway, to all of my family on Hex, I'll be back soon...
I love you all.

1st December 2008

12:04pm: ugh
People annoy me. People annoy me a lot actually.
Especially stupid bitches that like to blame other people for there problems.

How does doing what you ask make someone else a cunt? So what if they're your ex, you're the one that said to date them.
And why is it ok for him to assault her, but not ok for me to be upset about it? And why are you always bitching about it? You're the one that took him back...repeatedly.
Current Mood: bitchy

25th November 2008

5:01pm: Ugh
Today I'm sitting in the student center, trying to avoid certain people (look at my blog about a week ago. it's them...) and trying not to think. My concert last night went a whole hell of a lot better than I ever expected it to. There are things that I hadn't been able to play the whole semester that I could finally play perfectly during the concert (the ONLY time I played it perfectly too!!!)
This last week has been stress hell.
First off, I had a concert last week, that I think I mentioned in the other blog. Then there was the stupid drama with the cross-dresser and his girlfriend. Then a dress rehearsal for the concert last night. Then things I'm not even allowed to really discuss. That I am at this point sick of thinking about let alone discussing. Then I had another concert last night (thank god it didn't suck!), and I've got another dress rehearsal tonight. And I've been worried sick about certain people, because they've been stressed out, or sick, or not sleeping, and I hate seeing them so out-of-the-ordinary.

Life fucking sucks.

I want life to be boring again. Anything, ANYTHING but this!
Please? *pleads*
Current Mood: stressed

18th November 2008

5:35pm: Writer's Block: Surviving the Holiday Hustle & Bustle
Parties, dinners, pageants and more. How does technology help you survive the hustle and bustle of the holidays?

I use my phone's calender to remember my concert dates...
What? Those count as holidays to me!
5:13pm: So....
Today is just another day I feel the need to type. I think after this, or maybe after I try to do some research for fun I'll go back to practicing. Make myself feel like a good musician and practice for Percussion Quartet.
I've been really frustrated with things lately. Like the idiot here at school. Not just any old idiot though, a very specific idiot.
There's a guy, we'll call him C (C for Cross-Dresser. I have nothing against cross-dressers, just this one. And it's easier to remember lol), that goes here. He only goes here because his "girlfriend/fiance" goes here. They've broken up like twice this semester and a lot of other drama I've been dragged through in the guise of friendship. C has been hitting on me since the day I met him. Which doesn't bug me, it happens to me a lot, being hit on by taken guys. And since she wouldnt' believe me (they never do, when they're that brainwashed) I've taken to just ignoring him. I can take it, I can defend myself, nothing new.
There's also a girl at school that's well...Slow. She doesn't interact well, especially with men, has a bad history, and admittedly can't defend herself and doesn't understand what's going on a lot of the time. We'll call her Tiger.
C took it too far. Last week Tiger came up to me at school and said she doesn't like C now. When I asked her why, she described to me how he had sexually assaulted/molested her. I began seeing red. He forced herself on her, and admitted to it. Oh yes, the next day when C's girlfriend was told that a group of us no longer like her "boyfriend" and why, he admitted it. She actually became upset with someone and threatened them because she thought they had given people permission to hurt him on sight(though no one would do anything illegal). Actually it was me. When she was told this, she apparently smiled, and said "I'll talk to her tomorrow, we'll get this sorted out" thinking that I'm her friend and will back off if she talks to me.
Little does she know that I've mearly tolerated her for the last several months (since she got back together with her current boyfriend...I doubt it's a coincidence she changed then). And that I will not back down.

My question is, do you think it's ok/appropriate for the girlfriend to be mad at me?
Current Mood: complacent

28th October 2008

2:25pm: Life Sucks
Why me?
Why ALWAYS me? Why can't they pick on somebody else for once? I'm sick and fucking tired of the way things have been going for me lately. Not to say that everything in my life is miserable, it's not, but there are certain things that are driving me to the point of (further) insanity.
Something always has to go wrong.
Something always has to get in the way.
Something always has to make things more complicated.
And it's fucking killing me.

I can't take this shit anymore, I can't take the stress, can't take the pain, can't take the drama and never knowing. I just can't do it anymore.

Why does everyone choose me to hurt? What did I do to deserve this?
Current Mood: blank

2nd October 2008

5:07pm: Vicious Cycles
Been feeling particularly depressed for the last several month. Other than small periods of drama here and there, my life has been fairly happy for the last four months or so.
Things are fianlly starting to make sense, but I can't help but feel emotionally left behind by the happy things happening around me. It's like no matter how good things get, I'm not going to be happy. The really sad part is, no one has really noticed.
Yes, people know I'm not exactly happy, but no one seems to understand the extent of it, or they explain it away as drama. No one has ever really understood that my depression is internal and NOT extermal. People always ask me why I'm so depressed, or what happened to my good mood, when it has nothing to do with that. I think it's because other people don't have that problem. Other people can be happy when they've got happy things in there life. Other people only get depressed when band things are going on. For me, I'm depressed regardless. And when I'm in a good place in my life, it's almost a bad thing, because I can't just explain things away. I have to come to terms with just how miserable I really am.
And coming to terms with just how miserable I am can be even more depressing. So being happy (or more accurately in a happy place in life) is the most depressing place to be.

I hate vicious cycles.
Current Mood: depressed

28th September 2008

7:43pm: Updates
So. It's been what, a month or more since I updated? I figured it was time to do that...
First off, school has started, and I'm taking just enough classes for once. My roommates are ok, for the most part. Any and all problems I'm having with them are my fault anyway, so I feel more like shit than anything.
They didn't do anything wrong, but I think I gave at least one of them the impression that they did, and I feel really bad for making them sad.
What's worse is that I don't remember doing it. I know I mentioned in an earlier post that I have multiple personalities. I don't know how much you all know about that, but most people suffer from loss of time when it starts happening. For me that was many years ago, but I remember what it was like. I'd start to fall asleep, and when I woke up it was several hours or even days later and I was somewhere else doing something (at that age usually getting yelled at because I wouldn't stop "playing pretend") completely different. It's been years since I've blacked out like that, but I would know if I did. Over the last week or so, I've been losing time, but not nearly in the same way. I'm losing a minute or two at a time, with no warning, and not enough evidence to figure out what's going on. I didn't realize that I was losing time until someone told me I'd said something that I KNOW I didn't say. If it had been almost any other person, I'd have thought they were lying, but I know they were telling the truth, so the only conclusion I can come up with is that something is making me lose time.
I was talking to the other roommate last night (the one that noticed that I wasn't really myself, so he was a little more prepared for the aftermath of last night) and we went through the last week almost hour by hour to figure out what I remember and what I don't.
I'm missing anywhere between 5 and 10 hrs over the last week. In increments of less than 5 minutes. Mostly 1 minute increments.
So small I couldn't tell that they were gone until it was too late.

Other than that life isn't so bad. I've got great friends, and I'm slowly getting a social life. I'm playing Dungeons and Dragons (yes I'm a nerd, deal with it), and a similar game called Rifts. So I get out of the house usually two days a week. I'm getting really close to some new friends, and getting closer to friends I haven't really hung out with in years.
It's nice to see people that care because they want to, and not because they feel obligated, and at this point, that's what I have with the people around me. And those that feel obligated are far enough away from my inner circle that it doesn't bother me.
The people closest to me know who they are, and know that I love them, and that's whats most important.
Current Mood: depressed

4th August 2008

8:48pm: Writer's Block: Feeling Better
What makes you feel better when you're mad?

And a lot of other things.
8:47pm: Writer's Block: In the Event of a Zombie Emergency
Are you prepared for a zombie outbreak, or are you just going to wing it?

There are many reasons I sleep with a bat underneath my bed at my parents house.
8:45pm: Writer's Block: Immigration
If you had to immigrate from your current home, where in the world would you choose to go?

A lot of places. Like the Bahamas. :)
With a spa. So I would ever be cold.
8:29pm: Writer's Block: Loved Ones Afar
Do you miss anyone right now? What past experiences with this person, or these persons, make it easy for you to miss them?

I miss a lot of people right now, for a lot of reasons.
Right now I'm house sitting for my parents, so I'm alone a lot. My best friend has been over a lot. But I miss a lot of other people. I miss my roommates. They aren't that far away, but with gas as expensive as it is, and the fact that Larry is leaving at the end of the week, I miss them both. I spend a lot of time with them, and I love them both a lot. They're two of my best friends, so not being around them all the time sucks.
I miss my Fraternal Brothers, because I never see them. And they're more family than most of my biological family. And with a lot of the ones I miss most are in Fresno, it's easy to miss them. I especially miss my Candidate Brothers, because they both moved far away. One to Fresno, and one to Chico, I don't know what I'll do without them to keep me sane. At least I still have James :)
There are other people I miss, but I really don't have the attention span to write about it right now...lol

On a side note:
Current Mood: sore

17th July 2008

6:55pm: Murder Mysteries
I've been watching way too many murder shows lately. I find the show "Most Evil" probably the most interesting show. The psychology of murderers is awesome. Then again I'm a weirdo like that.
B.T.K. is one of the most fascinating people.
On Most Evil he was put on lvl 22 of how evil the murder is. 22 is the highest lvl. He tortured his victims, gave clues to the media and enjoyed seeing his notariety, and lived a double life.

This is why people are afraid of me I think ^_^
Current Mood: crazy

13th July 2008

4:23pm: Writer's Block: Dreams
Talk about a recurring dream you've had, or talk about your most vivid dream. What makes it stick in your memory?

I have a few recurring dreams.
The worst one starts with me in the desert, and I walk up to two giant rocks that create a cave-like structure where they meet. There's a man standing there yelling and screaming at me, as if he's scared. When I get closer, millions and millions of ants crawl onto him and eat him alive. Seconds later he's gone, and all of the ants crawl into the sand. Suddenly I'm standing on my parents front porch with my parents, and my grandmothers. I look around and everything is covered in cobwebs, and spiders. I start screaming, because I'm arachnaphobic, and no one understands why I'm freaking out. I jump on my Grandmother's back (which always freaks me out when I wake up because the grandmother I jump on is rather short, and I'm afraid I hurt her). Then I'm in my bedroom there and everything is black and white and vocered in giant spiders. That's where I wake up.
It's terrifying because of all the spiders, people dying, and no one else understands why I'm so scared...which is the way it is with my parents in reality. They don't get why I'm so afraid.

My favorite recurring dream is much more simple. I'm sitting on the back porch of a BIG two story house(I swear there's gotta be 12 bedrooms). Porch goes about 3/4 of the way around the house, and the only place it doesn't the house comes out to the edge of the porch. There's a porch swing against the wall where the house meets the porch, and I'm sitting there with someone. The someone always changes, it's anything from a family member, a friend, boyfriend. I think it's whoever I feel the most connected to, or want to talk to at the time. The house is in a forest, not a thick forest, but there are trees every so often. The backyard looks out to a large hill, and it's always sunset. Because it's sunset, the white house almost glows with an orange-ish hue. And it's calm. So very calm.
Current Mood: giddy

10th July 2008

2:18am: OMG
I hate him.
Why does he keep talking to me
Why does he want to see me?
Why does he want to be anywhere near me?
I thought I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him? And now he wants to go to my party?
I hate him!
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone!!!!
Current Mood: distressed

7th July 2008

3:03pm: Blah
I've been so busy lately. I'm tired of not sleeping, I'm tired of silly drama. I'm just tired.

But for once life is far better than worse.

My fourth of July was....interesting.

My brother's parade was, cool. We got lots of candy and stuff. My dad was supposed to be home by the time we got there. But he wasn't. So my mom freaked out and went looking for him, because he was on his Harley and my mom worries too much. Then while she was gone my brother threw out his back. It was so bad he went into shock and couldn't stop laughing. His girlfriend was over, and she looked really scared. He was in a lot of pain and we almost took him to the hospital. He should have gone to the doctor about it today, or at least I hope so.
Then I went to my roommates Aunt and Uncles for food, fireworks, and all that stuff. I had a great time. And I even drank a bit...I got home and I crashed, because I'd been up for 16 hours on 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Saturday was horrible, so I won't go into it, but the 4th was pretty cool!

And then today came. I started my period. I hate the universe :(
Current Mood: irritated

3rd July 2008

9:10pm: Writer's Block: Caring
Who do you care about most in your life?

I hate to say it, but I take care of myelf before others. Not because I'm selfish, but because I've had too many people let me down in the past. I've been hurt a lot in my life, and I've had people abuse my trust. So now I look out for myself before I look out for others. I'm still a giving person, and people say I'm too nice (even though I can be a major bitch when you get on my bad side) and I do tend to do things for others before I do things for myself.
But in the end I always put myself first, because I know I'm the only person that I can trust 100% to not hurt me.

29th June 2008

11:55pm: Mature Content
I don't know why it's been on my mind lately. I don't know if it's that I've been depressed lately that's made me think about it. Or maybe all this thinking about it has made me depressed...
My life hasn't been as easy as most people think it has been. I've been through SO much more than most people have. Or that ANYone should have to go through.
It started when I was three. I don't know for sure who did it, but someone molested me. I don't remember it very well. I've blocked out most of being three to seven because of it. Ever since I was little I've had a recurring dream of a man making me get in a shower with him and doing very..bad...things. And it hurts to think about. I think it was my uncle. I know he's done things he shouldn't have. Very bad things. But nothing like that.
And then it gets worse. The thing that's really bad happened last summer. Part of me feels like it was forever ago, because I've started to move on. But at the same time it feels so close, almost like it happened yesterday. I'm stalling...So I'll be blunt. I was raped. Repeatedly. Last summer I was raped. By a man that was cheating on his girlfriend. And I remember every second. The guy who did it messaged me last night. I had to be the one to tell his girlfriend that he was cheating on her. And with who. And how. And part of me feels like it was my fault. Because I put myself in that situation. I talked to him after my friend told me it was a bad idea. I didnt try to stop him. I just layed there and let him do it. I didn't struggle. I was too scared to say no.
And it hurts.
Current Mood: depressed
11:52pm: Bah
Today is one of those days
Where I need to write what I'm feeling
Without really knowing WHAT I'm feeling.
I guess I'm depressed again.
I don't even know why I'm depressed this time.
I'm just feeling...DOWN.
Current Mood: depressed
1:20am: Writer's Block: Facets of a Hero
What makes a hero?

I think the thing that makes a person a hero is the ability to stand up for what's right. No matter what the cost to you. No matter what it takes, or how hard it might be. To go against everything to fight for what you believe in. Any person that has the courage to do that, in my opinion is a Hero.
Current Mood: sick

28th June 2008

11:30pm: I really hate
Being sick. It's horrible.
And now I really wish I hadn't hung out with my best friend on Wednesday...I seriously think I got it from him. :(
And to top it all off, I've pulled three muscles this week. One in my back on Teusday, one in my neck on Thursday, and one just now. Which just makes me feel bloody wonderful.
Current Mood: sick

27th June 2008

12:42am: Writer's Block: The Bad Habit
Talk about a habit that you just cannot break.

I have a few habits that I can't break.
A) Dr. Pepper..ok, so it's more of an addiction, but it's still something I can't break myself of.
2) Organizing things. Specifically things that can be put into alphabetical or color order. Like dvd collections or sugar packets at restaurants.
3) Texting when I get bored...I have a habit of starting random conversations with people when I get bored...obsessively. And I'll end up talking to like 5 people...and then doing something in RL wherever I am too...
4) Ignoring people to craft...sorry guys.
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